Ashley Danielle Guilbert

Vander Eli Guilbert

2009-05-26T22:36:00.003-05:00

Ummmm....Yes! He is smiling in this picture. It's not gas. I've never seen a baby smile this little. He loves to be sung to and talked to. I HATE seeing these tubes! But he was supposed to get his IV out today and the results to clear him of infection. I couldn't get in touch with Heith or Jess so we'll have to wait for that news. I have a feeling they are exhausted and hopefully sleeping good tonight. Coming home tomorrow will be fun and they'll get to see Harper's reaction to the new baby. They are staying in a "rooming in room" tonight so Jessica can nurse him and not have to get up and go to the nicu to feed him...I know she's loving every minute of that!!

Sweet sweet baby!!! This is the first picture that I've seen that has reminded me of Heith's baby pictures.
This one is my favorite!!! Look at the chubby little cheek.
Look at how he's looking at my mom...his Lollie....so precious!!!!
ROCK ON!!!! Hope you liked the pics!!!

Blessings

2009-05-25T10:57:00.003-05:00

I am so proud to introduce you to my new nephew...Vander!! His name comes from my mother's maiden name Vanderburg.

Jessica and Heith are still working on a middle name for him. He is the first grandson/great-grandson with the Guilbert name. I know that has to make my granddaddy proud to have lived to see that. A little history...my daddy is one of five. He has a brother and three sisters. My Uncle Fred has four girls who are married to wonderful men but have obviously taken on their husbands last names. I have two brothers...Heith and Brennan. Brennan is only 17 so he has no kids yet...thank goodness! LOL. They are the only two male grandkids with the Guilbert name. Heith's first child is Harper...a precious little feisty 15 month old girl who is walking and talking and FULL of energy. :-) Her favorite word is "NO!" Ha. Harper will meet her baby brother today. She liked to play with her mommy's belly button when she was pregnant and knows sign language for baby...well, her own version of it anyway. She keeps one arm straight and crossed the other over and moves back and forth after she has said the actual word "baby." She learned it from one of her Baby Einstein videos. I haven't actually seen her do this but that's the way Jessica describes it. We are curious as to what she will think of her baby brother because she's so young. I was three when Heith was born. I didn't know to be gentle with him yet. What I thought was a gentle love "pat" on his head turned out to be way too rough. It reminds me of a friend of mine, Lori, who had her little girl a few years after her son Austin was born and before going home from the hospital he was sitting on the bed with her trying to shove candy into her mouth. He also gave her some very important advice. "Beans make you toot!" Kids are so sweet and innocent. To him he was just being a good big brother and wanting her to enjoy some of the sweeter things in life. I can't wait to hear how Harper reacts to Vander. She's so young and probably won't do too well at first with the fact that she will have to share her mommy with the baby but she will eventually adjust to the new normal. Who knows...she may surprise us all.

I can't wait to see that little thing and kiss his face off!

When Vander was born he was having some trouble breathing and with movement but those

things have cleared although he is still in the nicu until they get the tests back to see if he has any infection. They are giving him antibiotics to be safe. Jessica and Heith got to hold him today for the first time. Jessica said he was wiggling around trying to nurse but they are holding him off on food for a while longer. Poor baby...I'm sure he is hungry. He doesn't look like Harper really. He just looks like himself. I see a little of her in him but they change so much in the first few days and weeks that we will just have to wait and see.

Jessica's labor was very fast once things started progressing. My mom told me that the nurses said they wished she could come back in 9 months and do this all again so they could film her labor and delivery. They used the word "AMAZING!" But as amazing as it was I can say with almost 100% certainty that Jessica does not want to have to do that again for quite a while. She has an enormous amount of control over her body during labor. It's nuts. Oh...and I forgot to mention she does this ALL without drugs. Yeah...nature people. She's a machine. I mean, just look below at the picture of her with Heith and Vander below...this was literally just a few hours after having him.

Anyway...without further ado....here he is, Vander ????? Guilbert, 7lbs 14ozs.

I think she said he was 21 inches but I may have to correct that. He's much more filled out than Harper was. She was only 6lbs 11ozs.

Atonement

2009-04-11T17:09:00.007-05:00

Last night I went to church. I didn't really know what to expect. I just knew that I needed to be there. When I got there it was kind of awkward. It was dark. There were no chairs set up. There were candles and crosses all around. Everyone was standing in the back not really knowing what to do. Not your tradition worship service...which I loved! When I looked closer, there were little areas around the room set up with different things. In the middle of the room there was a round platform covered in black cloth and bibles all around the edges. There were cushions to sit on and read the various scriptures listed on card stock. Scriptures about what this weekend means. What happened to Jesus. The stories told by men that were there...men that watched Him die and saw Him raised to life again. There was a cross in the middle made from what looked like railroad cross ties. There was a wooden platform with a crown of thorns set up on top for display. Candles were everywhere. On one of the walls clips from The Passion of the Christ played. Music was playing...instrumental reflective music. Around the room were several other crosses, communion was set up on a table, tithe and offering boxes, and this...

In this bowl was clear water. Beside it were little pieces of red paper and red markers. The idea was to write whatever you wanted on those pieces of paper...sin, struggles, worries, hurt, pain, names, thoughts, whatever...and when you dropped them into the water the ink dissolved and what you wrote was gone. The ink disappeared and left the water stained a shade of red. The more paper and ink...the deeper the color became. By the time I got over there it was a deep crimson. I stood there directly in front of the bowl asking God what I needed to write on that paper. I quickly began writing. I filled my little piece of paper up with things...the things I walked in with and hoped to leave at His feet. Tears burned my eyes as I watched the ink fade and eventually disappear. My past. My pain. My worries. My failures. My disappointment. Gone.

I walked into that service with such a heavy heart. I walked in with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I walked in full of self-pity and pride. I walked in tempted not to trust Him...doubting Him. I knew the first thing I had to do and did it...it was hard. It was a sacrifice. But with tears in my eyes I was obedient. I wanted to show Him that I was serious. I wanted Him to see that I didn't want anything to be in the way of my time with Him. I wanted to show Him that I wanted nothing more than I wanted Him. Immediately I sensed His presence in a way that I can't even really put into words. In that moment I was completely humbled.

I realized that I had worried all day about things that didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. But I worried...all day long about them. I thought He had failed me. I thought that He had forgotten about me. I didn't believe that He actually had me in His hand. I felt like He had dropped the ball.

But...I walked away with peace. I walked away with my sin atoned for. I walked away redeemed. I walked away with confidence...not in myself but in Him. I walked away with the same circumstances, the same scary things, but with a new sense of His presence in all of it. I walked away knowing that He was in total control! I walked away knowing that He cannot and will not fail. I knew that everything would be okay. I remembered that as tightly as I'm holding onto Him that He is holding onto me even tighter. I felt head knowledge translate to my broken heart and begin healing it.

The God that walked away from death can certainly take care of me and meet my needs. He can absolutely work in and through me to accomplish His purpose. The God that walked away from death can rescue me from darkness and reach down and comfort me. He did what He did for ME. He walked up that hill to die for ME! If He was willing to do all of that...why would I doubt Him. Why would I not believe a Saviour who willingly paid my ransom...a debt I could never have paid.

Hello world. It's been a while.

2009-03-18T19:33:00.005-05:00

I have a few ideas for some longer posts...they'll come soon but I just had to share this. I was reading one of my journals today. It's the one I started when I moved to Nashville about 8 months ago. I was so moved by how God listens and answers prayer that I could barely stand it. I read my own words...some penned with a light heart and basically pretty generic at times. But others were, well, just plain desperate. Desperate for God to show me why he brought me here. Desperate for Him to invade my space and awaken a heart long protected. I was so amazed at the way God has worked in just a few short months. I am not even close to being where I want and need to be but I see the movement. The movement of a girl...scared out of her mind...no idea who she really is...what is next...a girl who didn't know how to love well (myself or others)...a girl who was desperate to find God in it all...a girl who was sick and tired of hiding...who wanted to be exposed...who wanted to connect and find some really genuine and loving women to "do" life with...accountability. And in the middle of it....in the great big middle of all of that desperation and what sounded a lot like hopelessness...was a great big God who was listening. He was listening to me. He understood me and met me where I was...confused, hurting, hiding, isolating, begging to be heard. He stooped down and listening to me. I saw so many answered prayers today in my journal. It was so encouraging.

If you don't journal...I think you should try it. I just started really pouring my heart out into mine after neglected it over the years but it has become a way for me to see what I have forgotten. There were a lot of things that I didn't even remember asking for or sharing with God in those first months here. But as I read through and saw the words from a rear view mirror perspective (behind me) as opposed to a windshield view (right now)...I saw God's hand so vividly. And just when I needed it, He showed me that He is working. That I am moving. That I am growing and it's so great to see. The providence of God on paper...it's the greatest motivation to just keep going and know that at the end of this journey lies a destiny fulfilled in Him that we are incapable of on our own. We have skills that he has equipped us with and if we offer them to Him knowing that, by faith, He can take those things and do something that only He can do through us, I guarantee you we will be blown away. And, in the process of trusting and moving, HE will accomplish it and get ALL the glory. Because, you see, those things that we forget...even just a few short months later...He DOESN'T forget them. What a beautiful Savior!!

Erase and Install

2009-03-11T22:37:00.015-05:00

My computer crashed...sort of...a few weeks ago. I turned it on and nothing but a grey screen and a folder with a big question mark inside it was flashing at me. Normally when I turn it on my desktop pulls up and I can get to things easily. But I couldn't get anything to happen. It was totally locked up. I tried everything I could think of to fix it. I am in no way computer savvy so I was totally at a loss. No idea what was going on. So...I did what any responsible Mac user would do and used my iPhone to book an appointment with a "Genius." They are literally called that and you can schedule...for free...a 15 minute session with them at the Genius Bar. Clever. I must admit...these guys, and sometimes girls, are lifesavers for this computer illiterate Mac owner.

When I got there and they hooked up my computer, the problem was very obvious to them. I'll spare you the details but they explained it to me like this... My computer basically had too much info. on it and had so much info. on it, in fact, that it was confused and couldn't read what was on the hard drive anymore. All I wanted to know was..."what do I do to fix it?" My Genius was more than willing to fix it but it would not be the answer that I wanted. He said that I would have to erase everything on my hard drive and totally reinstall the software for my computer. WRONG answer sir! I was sick. I had NEVER backed up anything...iPhoto...iTunes...programs...Windows...nothing. I would loose everything. But it was necessary and so I had to do it. He said there was one way that I might be able save some of the things on my computer...I was listening. I knew it would involve money...always does. He said that I would have to get a program called DiskWarrior and it would be my only way to save anything...but still no guarantee. Then from there I could transfer anything that the program found to an external hard drive at that point and then erase and install. When my computer was totally clean...I could then reload the stuff I transfered to the external hard drive, onto my computers hard drive and bam...everything would be saved.

$200 later, I supposedly had everything I needed to save my precious files. I went home...I ran the program and...NOTHING. DiskWarrior had failed to save any of my stuff. I was so mad. I have a feeling the things I purchased to make this magical recovery happen aren't refundable.:-( So...with a sick feeling in my stomach, I began to erase and install. I was thinking of pictures that I would never get back from Africa and Europe. Pictures of my niece and nephews that I hope I put on a disk before all of this happened. My ENTIRE iTunes library full of music that I had either spent hours putting on my computer from CD or bought on iTunes.

When the computer was free and clear and ready to be used again, I opened up iPhoto and cried. I opened up iTunes...completely empty of any sign that I ever had thousands of songs there. Windows...gone. Downloads...gone. Very sad. BUT...

My computer was free and clear. I could start fresh. It was like a new computer. No signs of clutter. No signs of the past. It ran faster when I got online. I could download new stuff and get updates on all of my programs. I will never ignore the warnings to back my stuff up or put it on my $100 external hard drive again! :-) Don't you just love spending money on stupid stuff like that? Boo!

I haven't written here in a long time. I haven't had the strength to share what my heart has been through over the past few months. I haven't even known where to begin with it all. I have had to make some tough decisions....have some tough conversations...make some scary choices. See, very much like my computer, I was so cluttered with stuff...some of it precious, some of it dark, some of it secret and painful. Some of it was hidden so well that I couldn't even see it. Just like my computer, I had things deep within me that I didn't know how to get to. There were things I didn't know how to retrieve. I was broken. Only I couldn't see the folder with the big question mark in the middle of the screen flashing at me. That would've been so obvious. But my question marks were hidden. The question marks in my life that I couldn't figure out what they meant or how to deal with them or how to call them up to face them...hidden. I had to be forced to look at them. And, boy, was it painful. Fortunately, I was loved enough to be called out on it...to be challenged to see it. I thank God daily for my "mirrors"...the people in my life that aren't afraid to show me what they see in me that needs to change.

Denial is a powerful thing...much bigger than us. I would go as far as to say that there is a demon named Denial in Satan's army of liars. Denial literally means...I don't see. The problem with denial is that you don't see it until you're forced to. Until there is so much clutter that you literally break. There are all kinds of symptoms and variables to denial but, when in denial, you don't even associate those things with what you're in denial about. Let me just say...secret things are what the Enemy uses to keep us bound...keep our minds so tangled up that we can't even think straight. They are what rip families apart and cause pastors to fall. They are what keep a wall up between friends and cause us to isolate ourselves from people we so desperately need. There is NO greater feeling than being fully known and loved anyway. None that I've experienced yet at 32. It is very uncomfortable and very humbling but worth every single minute of it. My very favorite person told me that "the truth causes you to trust the heart of a person." That's what it's all about. Truth is hard. Truth sometimes stings the people closest to you...the ones you love the most. Truth causes tension....it makes things worse sometimes before it makes things better. But there is a reason the Word of God says...."the truth will set you free." (John 8) Being exposed...being broken is the ONLY way, in my opinion, to have an authentic relationship with God. It hurts like you wouldn't believe at times but the freedom in it is absolutely...100%...worth it.

What happens when you get all that clutter out? It is a perfect opportunity for God to come in and, like a friend told me over lunch the other day, "download" his plan, purpose, and destiny for you. And, like my computer, you'll have a fresh clean slate for your Father to write his thoughts toward you and about you on. No longer will you have so much to sift through that you can't get to the heart of who you are. Your hard drive will be wiped clean and the process of healing and wholeness will begin to download in it's place, replacing the secrets, the lies, the unhealthy deposits...all of the things that kept you from being known, loved, and free. What a beautiful God that would allow us to be restored like that. What a beautiful Savior to come in and wipe our hearts clean for a fresh start and at the same time give us a mind to remember where we've been...never to go back. Praise you Lord! Do you understand what a second and a third and seventh and 100th chance means? It is called redemption. And it's ours. God is concerned about us. He is mindful of us. He thinks thoughts about us...so many, in fact, that we cannot even comprehend them. They aren't the lies that we tell ourselves but the truth that contradicts those lies...these are the thoughts He has toward us and about us. To think that God in his power and his love would send his Son to die on an old rugged cross, to bear my junk...my sin...my secrets...my past...it is just too much for me to take in all at once. Without a single word He took our punishment FOR us! Little by little, the God of the Universe, seeps into our hearts and spirits and takes them over...when we allow Him to. When we choose Him we choose life. He will never force himself on us. We have been given a gift in even that...we have a choice. We matter so much to him that he would even allow us freedom to make the decision to follow him on our own. I don't know how to describe what that means to me.

If you have never experienced the love of Christ. If all of this is foreign to you. That's okay. It was foreign to me too until very recently. I grew up in church. I heard a pastor say the other day that he had a drug problem as a child and teenager...his parents "drug" him to church everytime the doors were open. I love that! I had the same upbringing. My parents showed us the love of the Lord everyday. My mom and dad seek after God on a daily basis. My grandmother was one of the wisest people I've ever known and loved the Lord with all of her being...served him until the day she died. But none of that compares to knowing it from EXPERIENCE! There is no formula to this. This is a faith that can only be known and lived out by seeking God on our own. By finding out what He wants us to do and then doing it. It's not enough to know and then hope I do the right thing when the time comes. If we know what to do and don't do it, the Bible calls us a corpse. What good will we be that way? We are respondsible for taking the first step toward him. Once we do that and continue to seek him out in every area of our lives, he takes over from there. We just have to listen and follow. All of the knowledge is nothing without the grace and mercy to go with it. Without it, it's just a story. We have to beat ourselves over the head with it so it will drop into our hearts. Head knowledge without heart knowledge is useless. But let me tell you, when we feel it and when we drink it in...it will absolutely CHANGE OUR LIVES! It's hard. I am SO not where I need or want to be in the journey but even baby steps are huge when headed in the right direction. It is not fun sometimes but it is necessary...crucial even. Kirk has always said...as far back as I can remember..."it's painful but it's necessary." It's so true. We all have to be broken to be used to our full potential. Whether we were broken in childhood or as an adult or both...we must be broken before Him. He wants us to pour ourselves out to him. We are never more vulnerable than when we are broken. We are vulnerable to God but also to Satan...he could care less what we're going through. That's why we must always guard our hearts. (Prov. 4:23)

I want nothing more than for Him to come in and work me over for His glory. I desire Him and Him alone. Unlike the program for my computer...He is a Warrior that can salvage any life. I know because He has done it for me. He is doing it for me. He is more than capable of taking what is broken and making it whole again. Taking our clutter and creating a beautiful masterpiece with it.

No matter where you are on your journey. This my prayer...

God, hide us. Shield our broken and tender hearts. Raise us up in your power to live our lives in complete and total surrender to you. Plant our feet firmly in the places you would have us go. We are listening...your servants are listening and we will do what you say. You would never lead us somewhere that you would not go with us. We can count on you to take the broken pieces of our messed up lives and start to put them together again. We can trust you in the process that you will be gentle with our hearts. In You there is hope...and a future. Make us whole, Jesus!

Pray

2009-03-02T10:58:00.002-06:00

Please pray for a little girl named Zoe Goss. To find out more about her condition and the specific prayer needs go here.

The Best Question Ever...

2009-01-08T11:06:00.003-06:00

Sooooo....I think I'm pretty much the worst blogger in the history of man-kind at this point. I wish I was one of those people who posted everyday or at least every other day. But, I'm just not at this point in my life. I know that when I have kids and more going on I will post more frequently but for now it's just random, here and there posts. I don't know why I am even explaining myself but that's just what I do, I guess. :-)

I have never been a person with a lot to say or a lot on my mind. I am super chilled and laid back. I get that from my daddy. I do worry sometimes about things and think too hard about them and make them bigger than they need to be. I can worry over something until I'm sick but that doesn't happen a lot. I went to a chiropractor a few months ago and he said I had an issue in the middle of my back that he had to pop back into place. He asked me if I was stressed out because not many people have that subluxation and man did it hurt when he popped it into place. So, I might worry more than I think I do. Who knows????

I started listening to a podcast that a friend of mine referred me to last night about making decisions. It's called "The Best Question Ever." by Andy Stanley. It's in 6 parts and I have only made it through Part 1 but it is awesome! It's also a book. I'm sure you can get it at Lifeway but I found it on Amazon last night. The question is...when asking yourself, should I get into this relationship, should I make this financial investment, should I buy this car, should I home school my kids, and on and on..."What is the wise thing for me to do in light of my past experiences, my present situation, and my future hopes and dreams?" He takes a scripture that Paul wrote in Ephesians to the church at Ephesus and explains how he came up with the question. They were basically trying to live in a place of extreme moral decay but still remain faithful and obedient to the Lord and his will for their lives. Andy talks about how we try to search out scripture to tell us what to do but there is not always a specific scripture to refer to sometimes. How should we make decisions in life when we don't have a solid answer from a specific verse in scripture that pertains to the situation we are facing? I am super excited about listening to the rest of the podcast and digging deeper into this simple question to live my life by. The hardest thing about it is that we are, in most cases, not going to like the answer as much as we like just being ignorant. I know that we are all able to think of at least one decision we have made in the past that we look back on with regret or see how it has negatively impacted our life.

So, now that the new year has started and we are only 8 days in, it still feels like a fresh start and we have all made our resolutions and are attempting to keep them. Some have already fallen off the wagon. No worries! Don't put so much pressure on yourself. I do this and it has not been working for me! I am trying to approach things that need changing in my life differently than I did last year.

For instance, I want to lose weight. BAD!!!! I am starting with small goals and letting them lead to my ultimate goal as opposed to thinking about the big picture and stressing over how I will pull it off. I joined Weight Watchers last night. I am realizing how prideful I am right now because I want to delete that last sentence. I am fighting the urge!!! :-) I ordered the 2009 starter kit on ebay and two workout videos from Tracy Anderson. She is the personal trainer of Gweneth Paltrow and Madonna. I do not want to look like Madonna but I think she's just a freak of nature with those arms. Wow! Anyway, I am doing things that will get me to the place that I want to be physically so I can get to where I want to be mentally about myself. I don't want to hold myself back any longer and the only person I can blame for letting this get out of hand is me. Sure, I have a thyroid problem and have to take meds everyday (which I HATE by the way) but that is not going to stop me. Plus, at some point in my life, I am going to be responsible for feeding my family and I don't want to learn with them. I want to already have this thing tucked away in my back pocket and it be second nature to me.

So, good luck with all of your resolutions and we will stick this thing out together. I know it's going to be hard but determination is creeping up on me and I'm excited to see what I'm actually capable of. I know you are too!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! Let's make it a great one!

Oh...I'm also reading the Bible in chronological order if anyone wants to join me. I can email you the reading schedule. My email account is ashleyguilbert@gmail.com.

Time to go...

2008-12-28T22:02:00.002-06:00

Well, the time has come for me to go back home. I am super sad to leave my family. I have been able to be with them for over a month and I am spoiled. I still don't feel too hot and now I have a tooth ache that is really making me miserable. Thank goodness for left over pain medicine!! :-) It has taken the edge off. I always seem to have things like this happen to me on days when I can't get to the doctor. Pray that it stays under control until I get back to Nashville on Thursday. I don't even know of a dentist in Nashville...I'll have to ask around.

So...time to pack all my things and get a few hours of sleep before my 6:45 flight in the morning. We have a show in ATL and then a new year's eve show in LA...then it's home Nashville.

2008-12-16T23:53:00.004-06:00

I read this tonight and thought I'd share it with you guys. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Elisabeth Elliot. She is an author among many many other things...an incredible woman to say the least. Many years ago someone gave me the book "Passion and Purity"...changed my view on dating and relationships completely! Loved it!

Anyway...here is what I read.

In C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters, we see with startling clarity the cleverness of the enemy in deceiving human

beings. selfishness has a thousand forms, most of which we are slow to recognize for what they are. I was thinking about the fear of loss and what a stranglehold it can have on me. As I listed some of the things I dreaded to lose, it occurred to me that this fear is a deadly form of selfishness. Selfishness does terrible things to us, but it does not stop there. It does terrible things to others. "Saving our own skin" usually results in skinning somebody else. Think, for example, of the fear of losing reputation, opportunity for advancement, credit, recognition, position, beauty, youth, health, money, the love of friends or children, compliments, popularity, security, privacy, rights, people you love, job, home, dreams, and power.

As I considered each of these separately, I began to think what sort of sin each king of loss tempts me to commit. Then I thought about what kind of faith is required to enable me to commit those fears to God. Has He, in fact, made provision for these things? The list is not a list of sins----make no mistake about that. It is a list of blessings, of gifts from God. But to grasp them selfishly and greedily, to hang on to them fiercely and allow myself to be enslaved by the fear of losing them, is to deny Christ. "Do not fear," He says to us, "for I am with you." (Isaiah 41:10)

Never thought of it quite like that before.

And...just another little blessing for you...

This....is just about as good as it gets! Look at that smile! -->

Gage at 6 months old with my mom(or Lolly as the GK's call her)

Going home...

2008-12-09T19:53:00.003-06:00

It's been a really long time since I posted...I suck, I know! :-)

I am currently in the DFW airport. I have been in Africa since December 4th...left the US on the 3rd. First we were in Lagos, Nigeria...then Calibar, Nigeria. Our first show in Lagos was cancelled because of torrential rains. I know it sounds dramatic and it was! The tents we were supposed to wait in literally flooded and the sound system stopped working because of the water. It was really bad. Luckily we didn't ever have to leave the hotel and get out in all that water but some of the artists did and they came back telling us how horrible it was. Plus, I would've ruined my new awesome shoes and that would've hurt me bad...even if it was for ministry. Don't mess with my shoes! :-) I am Alice Ruth Faulk Guilbert's granddaughter!

BUT... they also came back telling us about the 300,000+ people who stood out in that rain to hear about Jesus and the music that all the artists had prepared to share with them. They had to be soaked thru and thru but they stood out there anyway. I really wanted to see that...even if I had to go barefoot. Oh well...sometimes things work out that way.

The concert in Calibar was great! Those precious people were singing their hearts out to Jesus! It was beautiful!!!

I'm so blessed to do what I do. I try not to be negative about anything but right now I just want to be at home!!! I have been on 3 planes...one for an hour...then spent a few hours at a hotel in Lagos...another flight to Frankfurt, Germany...6 hours...had a whole row to myself, which made me so so so happy, then another to DFW...11 hours...no one sitting beside me...slept on and off the whole time...can't believe it! I am coming to the end of a 5 hour layover in Dallas. I paid too much money to get a cab to the mall close by just to get away from the airport for a few hours...otherwise I might have gone insane. :-) SOOOOO ready to get on this plane...my 4th...and see my daddy at the airport so he can take me to his house with the rest of my family...minus Heith, Jess, and Harper. :-( I am so ready to see Gage! My sister just told me he's doing things he wasn't doing when I left a week ago. He'll probably be asleep but I'm going to go in and look at him...it will get me through until the morning. :-)

Almost time to leave Dallas so I'll wrap it up.

Thank you Lord...even though the flying for days really stinks...for allowing me to have this life. I am so grateful that you have chosen me to do this for a living! I hope I make you proud!

the apple

2008-10-24T12:26:00.002-05:00

First of all, I want you to go and read this before anything else. It's beautiful. My friend Angie has an amazing story and if you have time at some point you should definitely go back and read ALL...yes, all of her posts. They will bless you and cause your heart to be stirred but more importantly they will point you in the direction of the Savior...you will fall in love with him in a deeper way by the way she has chosen to love him in the midst of her pain.

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in such a long time and I am hoping that I can catch up within the next few weeks. I have some things I want to share and then just some random meaningless nothings that will make you laugh. I was journaling today and decided to share one of my recent journal entries with you.

October 22, 2008

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden light." Matt. 11:28-30

In elementary school I was not the most popular kid. I had glasses...pretty thick ones if I remember correctly and was pencil thin. Oh to be thin again! :-) I'm working on it! LOL. I didn't dress with name brands and get my clothes from the mall. I wore mostly hand-me-downs. Mind you, I was oblivious to this. I never thought anything of it and actually was excited to have "new" clothes. My parents bought me new clothes too but people in the church would always give me their clothes when they outgrew them. I was always a pretty easy kid to please. So, back to the story...I remember one day very well. It was one of the days we ate our lunch outside. I guess, from time to time, Mrs. Converse...my teacher...thought it was too beautiful a day to stay inside for lunch.

We opened out lunch boxes...pretty sure mine was a Cabbage Patch Kids lunch box with the lovely Thermos :-)...and we pulled out whatever our mothers had packed for us to eat. I can't remember exactly what mine had in it but I do remember that I had a shiny red apple. I'm sure my mom had packed a sandwich and some chips as well but the reason I remember the apple so well is because at some point, and I'm almost positive that it was before I had taken a single bite, it was out of my hands and the other kids were kicking it around the playground. I was devastated. I remember my heart breaking watching them kick my apple around that day. It might as well have been my heart they were kicking around. It wasn't because I had wanted that apple so badly or that I had been looking forward to eating it all morning...I mean, seriously, I was in elementary school and I am sure I would've rather had cookies but it was the fact that it belonged to me and they didn't care that it hurt my feelings. I have been called super sensitive on many occasions but I was really sensitive when I was little. Kids can be cruel and I'm sure that they were just having fun and obviously way too young to think about how it would make me feel but as I was heart broken just the same. I don't remember exactly what went through my mind but I do remember picking up my apple, post-kicking, and it looked horrible. It was all bruised and scarred...some of the peeling was hanging off and it wasn't shiny anymore. I went back to the classroom with my little heart just as torn up as that apple. We all sat down at our desks and when we all got quite Mrs. Converse called me up to her desk. I was so embarrassed. After what had just happened, I wasn't sure what was about to go on. I hoped she wasn't in on it too and decided I hadn't been humiliated enough. She reached into her desk drawer and pulled out...a piece of candy. This story would've been perfect had she pulled out a brand new shiny red apple. But sometimes stories with happy endings aren't always perfect...which, in a way, makes them even more special. In front of the whole class she held out that candy for me and told the class that because they had been so mean and had kicked my apple around that she was giving me this piece of candy and that I had permission to eat it right then and there. It reminds me of a certain prayer..."You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies" HELLO SOMEBODY!!!! :-) I don't remember if I ate it then or saved it but I do remember walking back to my desk feeling so much better. I felt special. I felt validated. I'm sure that I smiled on my way back to my desk and good while after. I have never forgotten that teacher...Mrs. Converse. I could tell you exactly what she looked like to this day.

I will never forget that day...here I am, an almost 32 year old woman, and I still remember the way I felt that day. As I sit here on my balcony, with a heart a little beaten up, bruised, sometimes kicked around, and with a few scars, I can't help but think of how Mrs. Converse showed me a little bit of Jesus that day...whether she meant to or not. I feel like my heart has been kicked around the playground again...intentional or unintentional...but today, instead of Mrs. Converse, God has come to the rescue. He has picked my heart up out of the dirt and is dusting it off in His precious nail scarred hands. He knows exactly what it's like to have a heart as broken and scarred as mine. Of course, He's not going to pull a brand new shiny red heart out of his desk drawer but He is going to work on mine and make it as good as new. Sure, it will still have some scars and the memory being broken from time to time but it will be whole. It will be washed and mended and covered in the blood of Jesus.

I know I'm not the only one with a broken heart. I am sure have been the reason some hearts have been broken. But I also know that in Christ there is total restoration and redemption. He alone can mend our broken hearts. He alone can set my captive soul free. I am so glad that He is always willing to bring healing. We are in constant need of a Savior. In the best and the worst of times we can count him trustworthy. When we feel lonely He is always there. He is ready and oh so willing for us to hand over our pitiful broken hearts and let him go to work. Now, the process is always going to be painful but you can be assured that the end result is a heart that is whole...a heart that is strong. Trust Him with your heart...there is no safer place for it then in His loving hands.

"...we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character provides hope. This hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5

What a precious gift!!!

2008-09-18T14:03:00.002-05:00

Okay...so I already posted some pics today of Harper (check the post before this one) but Jessica just took these and I had to put them up! They are too cute.

TUTU...

Pictures

2008-09-18T09:28:00.008-05:00

I wanted to make sure and update you on Baby Pratt! He is still in the nicu but is being given antibiotics for the infection and based on the results of his spinal tap yesterday will get to go home on Sunday!!!! Yay! His parents will get to spend Saturday night at the hospital with him before they take him home! Thanks for your prayers!

Now for some recent pictures of my niece, Harper, and my nephew, Gage. They are the cutest kids!!! Enjoy...

First...GAGE...they need to send me more pictures but these are the most recent!

almost 3 months old...baby dedication picture
in his onesie that Lolly got him
breanne and gage at our parents house
gage loves his baby Einstein play mat

little shoes
I love this picture!
ready for bed at Lolly and pops house
look at that face!
Harper at 7 and a half months old...crazy girl!!

getting ready to crawl
it's our favorite when she puts her gums together like this!

I love this picture!
all about this face...Harper on her changing pad sitting up like a big girl
happy girl
and again...just happy
so cute in her little smocked outfit
baby dedication photo shoot...

Heith, Jessica, and Harper on baby dedication day at their church in Lafayette, LA
Mother/Daughter pic
more of baby dedication photo shoot....

They are the greatest little people! I miss them so much!

Pratt. Allen. Fulks.

2008-09-15T08:50:00.002-05:00

Please pray for a friend of mine and her little boy Pratt this morning. I don't know all the details but I just got a text from a friend that informed me that Pratt...born Saturday evening...has been put in the nicu because he is having trouble breathing. I don't know any of the details but I do know that no matter what the issue, having your brand new baby in the nicu for any reason is a super scary thing. I am asking all of you to lift little Pratt up to the Lord and his parents Hannah and Clint. This is their first baby and I know they would appreciate all of our prayers! Her blog is in my blog list. Thank you!

Going home...

2008-09-11T18:10:00.004-05:00

The trip to Europe has come to an end and we head to the airport in less than three hours. It's been a great trip! Hopefully I will have some pictures soon to share with you. We did 7 shows while we were here. I will write more about the trip when I get home but for now...Please pray for us as we travel. We start at 4am and get home Friday night around 7:30pm. See you in the States!!!

Europe...

2008-09-02T00:50:00.002-05:00

Well...it's the middle of the night and I am supposed to be packing for my trip to Europe. Before you get all excited for me and wish you were going with me, I should mention that this is not a "fun" trip. It's a work trip in every sense of the word. We have 7 shows in 9 days...6 different countries. Hard trip for us but it will be super fun. I might come back and hibernate for 2 days just to catch up on rest but we will make the most of it! On two occasions we will ride a bus to the next city...this will be the extent of our sightseeing this go round because of time. But, I am going to several cities that I've never been before so I'm excited about that...even though I may only get to see the hotel and the venue, I will still be able to say that I've been there! I am so thankful for my life and I feel so blessed that God has called me to do this...especially since I get to sing about Him!! I will be leaving tomorrow (technically today) and coming back on the 12th. I will try to post while I'm gone but have no idea what internet situation will be in any of the hotels I'm in and I refuse to pay a million dollars for one day of internet access. However, some hotels offer free internet from time to time and I am hoping that at least one of them will be one of the some. Anyway, back to my trip. I am in the process of packing. I stopped because I got frustrated and this is why. When traveling within Europe they only allow one carry on bag and one checked bag that can only weigh 44 pounds...very random...but I don't want to spend every dime I make over there on luggage fees. So, I'm trying to accomplish this task. Anyone who knows me well or has ever traveled with me knows that I am not a light packer. I pack the "just in case" stuff. I feel panicky if I don't have extra. Well, the plan is to pack 3 outfits for stage and 3 outfits for everyday and just switch it up. I went to Dillard's the other day and they had their Adidas sweatsuits on sale for 50 percent off. They are light weight and I can put a fresh t-shirt on under them each day. I still think that's gross, to wear the same things for several days in a row. But, I have no choice. Now I'm getting stressed and feel the beginnings of a headache coming on. I should get back to the packing...I have to go funnel hair products into tiny bottles so they don't take up precious poundage in my bag! Then hopefully, I can at least get a few hours sleep before my ride gets here bright and early!

Garrison Manning Guilbert...final post.

2008-08-25T01:08:00.006-05:00

When Garrison was born on the 14th I asked a friend to start up a prayer website for him. It was a way for Breanne and the rest of us to see the number of people praying for her "wittle man". A few days later someone told me about a website that was for people like us...families with loved ones in the hospital...a way for everyone at home to keep up with Garrison's progress and a direct line for prayer requests. It was such a blessing and I recommend it to anyone who has a sick loved one in the hospital for a lengthy stay. You can visit Garrison's page...it's still up...at caringbridge.org. Go to the VISIT link at the top of the page and when the page loads type in garrsionguilbert in the first box and enter. The journal has every post we ever wrote and also has all of the entries in the guestbook that were ever written. It will take you a long time to read the story but it has much more detail then I could write here. I have spent the entire night reading it all again...reliving it...which brought back many memories. I have cried as if it happened yesterday.

From March 21st to April 7th we held strong to our faith. We knew that God could, at any moment, completely heal Garrison of all his infection. We had the promise and the hope of Psalm 34:19 to hold strong to. Garrison's urine output had been so little that he tripled in size. He looked like a different baby. He was on heavy sedation and given morphine for the pain. There were life saving measures that needed to be taken but the doctor could do none of them in his present state. At one point he started peeing again and we prayed and prayed for more. We cried out to Lord for his healing. My daddy literally screamed at the top of his lungs for it. He would go out into the yard...my parents live in the country...and cry out to the Lord on Garrison's behalf. Thinking of that makes me proud but also brings tears to my eyes. We WANTED him!!! We didn't want to live our lives without Garrison. We had a strong bond with him. We knew if we felt the way we did that Breanne must have felt it a thousand times stronger. We also knew how much more God loved him...for He had written his story and knew it play by play...moment by moment.

Garrison did not improve. He didn't get worse but he didn't get any better. It was the 6th of April when the doctor told mom and Breanne that there was nothing more that he could do for Garrison...that it was up to him now. We knew who it was up to...the Healer himself. And we trusted him. We held tight to our faith and would not waiver.

His little body was full of fluid. I can not even bring myself to share with you the effects his illness had on him...the ones we could see anyway. I can't even let myself think of the pain he was in...although heavily medicated, I know he felt horrible. The doctor told them he would not make it through the night. I was in Dallas...we were recording an album. It was a Saturday night...I was at an Easter service with my roommate, Kim, and missed my dad's call. As soon as the service was over I checked my voicemail. It was bad news...I had to get to Breanne. My roommate arranged my flight. I would leave in two hours. I rushed home and threw my stuff into a suitcase...not knowing what to expect, I packed a black dress. I hoped I wouldn't need it. Even as I put it into the suitcase I begged for Garrison to live.

I arrived in Little Rock at around 10pm. My dad picked me up and took me straight to the hospital. When we got to the waiting room...mom and Breanne were in with Garrison. Dad said we could both go back...it scared me because for all the seven weeks we were there only two at a time could go in to be with him. I asked..."we can all be in there?" Dad had a look on his face that I will never forget...he said "they are letting us all be in there for as long as we want." It crushed me...I knew why. When I went in, I saw Breanne holding Garrison's hand and singing to him...she looked so tired and so broken. They asked her if she would like to hold him but told her that if she did, they would not be able to hook him back up to the machines. She wanted him to have the best chance possible and told them no. I put my hands on his little chest...my fingers left impressions in his skin...I didn't know if I was hurting him but couldn't stand the thought of him not feeling our touch. We all wanted so badly to comfort him. My sister could no longer find the strength to sing to him so I began. The only song in my head was the one we had recorded the day before in the studio. It's on Kirk's last album...Fight Of My Life. I sang to him as I lightly touched his chest. Breanne held his hand. At times you could tell he was crying but the tubes prevented any sound from coming out. He was dying. It was obvious but we continued to pray. At around 1am all his vitals started plummeting. I moved aside...could only see the back of the doctor's head...but I heard his words and I saw my sisters face. "He's not with us anymore." Breanne went straight for him. The nurses had to stop her and told her gently that they must remove his tubes before she could hold him. It would be the first time she held her little boy. It broke my heart into a million pieces. She had longed for this day to come...to hold him and kiss him. It was not supposed to be like this! My heart began to harden. I was mad...mad at God. What of the promises he had given us? Why had he not healed him? I was confused. I screamed so loud that my mom had to push my head into her shoulder to muffle the cries. It was too much to bear...I felt my heart breaking as if it literally had been torn from my chest...not as much for Garrison as for Breanne.

We left Little Rock the next day. I had tried to leave the night before and go home to my parents house and take down all of Garrison's things so my sister would not have to walk into what was supposed to be there. My dad's truck just shut off as I was driving away and I had to stay. Some friends of mine went in my place. Each of them had lost a baby to miscarriage before and knew how Breanne would feel. Although it was painful for them...they made the sacrifice. It speaks volumes about their character. When we drove away from the trailer a sound came from Breanne that I don't ever want to hear again as long as I live. All those weeks and she left with only the belongings she had brought with her. Her milk still swelling inside her...a constant reminder of what was lost. To be honest, it seemed cruel. My heart hardened even more. The ride home was rough. The first stop we had to make in Texarkana (a little over two hours away) was the funeral home. Another church member and dear friend of the family had come the night before and taken Garrison's body from Children's hospital and brought him home. Breanne had to pick out his casket. Nothing will ever prepare you for that. Seeing those tiny little coffins was enough to send us all back into tears. She picked a white cloth one.

The funeral was beautiful...a celebration of his life. He was buried in a little cemetery down the street from my parents house. They bought plots at the same time so when the Lord takes them home they will lay beside our beloved little Garrison.

It has been a year and 4 months since he died. The pain has let up a little. Garrison has a little brother, Gage, that knows nothing of his brave big brother yet. But we will tell him all about him when the time comes.

In Garrison's short life, he had no voice but spoke volumes about Christ. Many people came back to the Lord...many prayed non-stop for him that had not prayed in a very long time...he changed people's lives. He brought our church together at a much needed time. These are only the obvious things that Christ did through his life. We will never know the full extent of what the Lord did through him.

I mentioned my heart hardening toward God. It only took one night to melt it again. Breanne had come to stay with me shortly after the funeral. We had been talking about getting tattoos and were looking up some scripture and it's meaning online. We looked up Psalm 34:19. The scripture that we had claimed for Garrison. I was not prepared for what we found. It is written in Hebrew on the inside of my left forearm.

The website is called "Hebrew for Christians" and this is what it said.

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord will deliver him out of them all. Psalm 34:19"

in Hebrew...

'rabbot ra'ot tzaddik, u'mikkullam yatzilenu Adonai'

'will deliver him' in Hebrew is 'yatzilenu' which comes from the word 'natzal', a verb that means to ' physically snatch away'...

Lord, forgive my unbelief.

The promise was true. He will never fail us. He is sovereign. He is faithful. He will never lie.

BELIEVE!!!!!

and a few pictures to put faces to the names in this story. The one above is my tattoo..."The Lord will deliver him." in hebrew.

My sister...these were taken a few weeks after Garrison died...when she was in Dallas with me.

And Garrison's little brother Gage...taken just a few days ago.

The bottom picture of Breanne shows the tattoo she got...the inside of her wrist..."Stinker" what she called Garrison.

Part 3

2008-08-24T23:54:00.005-05:00

On February 22nd Garrison was transferred to Children's Hospital because of an opening in one of the valves in his heart that required surgery. I followed the ambulance the very short distance because Breanne needed her rest and she didn't want him to be alone. They told us there was no risk in his transport and he would be comfortable. They assured us that it would cause him no stress. I watched as they rolled him out of the elevator...they had put a tshirt on him that was way too big! He looked so cute. Once he was settled in his new nicu they had Breanne fill out all the paper work for his surgery. We had been praying since the day we found out about the valve that the Lord would close it. After they ran the tests at Children's...they found that the valve had only a tiny opening and they would not have to do the surgery until he was older...maybe not at all if it closed on it's own. We had faith. That afternoon in the waiting room when they told us the news of not needing the surgery, the Holy Spirit spoke clearly to me that Garrison was there for a reason...that he would go through something really bad but would be okay. When I think back now, I think the Lord was preparing my heart for what was to come...actually, I know he was.

It was pretty much smooth sailing for the next few weeks. He did very well at Children's. He ended up having to have the surgery to close the valve in his heart. The procedure has a 98% success rate and we found comfort in that. They did the surgery at his bedside. Making a small incision on his back they go in and staple the valve shut. It was successful and his pulse ox and heart rate improved almost immediately after his recovery. Through the weeks we had a few set backs but nothing substantial. His urine output was a concern and the meds they gave him seemed to improve it. His lungs were some of the worst they had ever seen but he seemed to be hanging in there and there was hope that he would be off the ventilator on schedule.

On March 20th Breanne...having a mother's intuition...noticed that Garrison was not himself. He was a fiery little guy! He would show his temper when the nurses would do something to him that he didn't like. Things like taking his temp...really anything they did he let them know that he wanted them to leave him alone. His pulse ox would drop and he would de-sat. They told Breanne she would have her hands full with this little one! :-) At one point during his stay in the nicu he clamped down on his tubes and refused to let go, causing all his levels to drop dramatically. Breanne and I were just standing there...watching...worried sick. It was a scary helpless feeling. They got him back to normal and explained everything to us. They said that he basically had had a temper tantrum. Hilarious! So, when he wasn't himself that night, Breanne began to wonder if something was wrong.

On the 21st, the doctor told us that Garrison had three infections in his body. An infection in his blood, his trachea, and pneumonia. The news was devastating. Knowing that his lungs were already in bad shape, we knew an infection would only worsen the problem. We prayed and trusted God that he would be healed and get back on the road to recovery. Breanne longed to hold him...I could feel it every time she went to sit at his bedside. They had shown her a video on Kangaroo Care and she knew how important that would be for his journey. He was never at a place for her to do so. She says now that when she never got to hold him she knew what was to come. She did not expect him to live although she had faith that God could do anything. I guess, as a mother, you would sense such things. I was so proud of her...how she held to her faith and trusted the Lord at every turn...good and bad.

On the 22nd, Garrison was doing about the same and since there was no change...Breanne asked mom to take her back to the trailer to get some rest (worried about her milk production) and asked mom to sit with him from 7-9. The nicu closed at 9 every night. As mom was on her way back to the trailer, a car pulled in front of her for a few seconds and then moved back into the other lane. Mom has a habit of reading license plates and she saw that this one said Psalm 34. Knowing it was no coincidence, she read it as soon as she got back to the hospital...then opened Garrison's bed and shared it with him...over and over and over. Before I share what it said, I told you in the last post that we didn't stay with my aunt the whole time. A precious member of our church had just gotten a brand new camper trailer and offered for us to stay in it for the duration of our stay in Little Rock. It was a really nice one with two bedrooms, a kitchen, living, and dining room...oh, and a flat screen!! :-) It was about 10-15 minutes closer to the hospital than my aunt's house. This is just one of the ways that our church family blessed us during the time Garrison was with us.

Okay...so Psalm 34. The whole chapter is great (I can't share it all here but encourage you to read it for yourself). It all spoke to our situation but verse 19 was the one we claimed. "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord will deliver him out of every one." We felt as though the Lord had given us a promise. He would heal Garrison and deliver him from all the infection. Our interpretation of the scripture is what we clung to. I know I did! Let me just say, God was never more real to me than in the seven weeks that Garrison was with us. He was clear even in the darkness of those bad days. He gave peace when all we heard was bad news.

I told you that I would share the meaning of Garrison's name...before I forget...let me do that. Garrison means, troops in battle. Manning means, son of the hero. God knew what he was doing when he placed the names in Bre's mind, for he definitely fought a great battle and was most definitely the son of our Hero!!! What a mighty God we serve! It is a reminder that he is in control of EVERYTHING...even when we are unaware.

More tomorrow...here are some pictures of our little trooper!

Minimal stimulation...Garrison Manning Part 2

2008-08-24T13:59:00.012-05:00

That night was so intense...the night he was born. I don't remember what took place after we prayed with Breanne and they took Garrison away. It was a sick feeling. I knew they had to take him and get him hooked up to everything in the nicu but every moment he was out of our sight was scary. When I could see him I could see that he was alive...that nothing was going wrong...that we still had him. But when he left our sight we didn't know if they would come back and say he didn't make it or tell us something had gone wrong. I worried about my sister so much...what would happen if...

They moved her into a recovery room. She shared it with another mother...I can't remember her name but she was sweet and we knew she was going through the same thing that Breanne was. Maybe they could comfort each other somehow. The doctor came in and told us the horrible truth behind what Garrison was up against. He could have a brain bleed at any moment which could cause him a great deal of damage. Even a small bleed could damage his brain and have life long repercussions. They were doing research on bleeds in preemies so they asked if Garrison could be part of it. Breanne agreed after being reassured there was no pain in it. They just did extra scans of his brain each day to study it. Extra care couldn't hurt right??

For the first week, Garrison was on minimal stimulation. He could only be touched by the nurses and even they didn't touch him unless absolutely necessary. He was hooked up to all kinds of tubes...laying in an open bed covered in plastic wrap. The plastic wrap kept him warm. Remember his skin was only three cells thick at this time. He had a light on him to help keep him from being jaundice. To protect his eyes from the light...although fused together...he had on a tiny blindfold. He had on a little crochet hat that they said little elderly women make for the preemies to wear. It was cute! He only wore a cotton ball over him to catch the urine because a diaper would be to much contact with his thin skin. It was a horrible

sight. I don't think I got to see him until the next week. They only let the parents and grandparents in for the first week. They would bring out pictures and video with them and we would gather around in the waiting room to see our little man. Breanne had told us that she would not be leaving him while he was in the hospital and we knew not to argue. We didn't want to leave him either. He would be in the hospital at least three to four months before he could go home. She had to stay in the hospital for two days, I think. We weren't allowed to spend the night with her for some reason. I was not happy about leaving her.

The day her roommate was being released, she was telling us about her little girl and how she was doing. I asked what she had named her. She told me her name and Breanne and I both looked at each other...she had the name Manning. Breanne had thought the name sounded good with Garrison before but hearing it again she said..."I guess his middle name is supposed to be Manning." She was struggling with his name which is way too long a story to tell here but she had her answer that day. Garrison Manning...he had a name!

We camped out in the UAMS waiting room from morning to night...we got there when it opened and left when it closed. We were usually the only ones in there. Most of the parents lived too far away or couldn't afford to stay with their children. That broke my heart. If they would have let me, I would have visited every one of the babies everyday and sang to them as they lay there fighting for their lives. You aren't allowed to be near the babies unless you're family...totally understandable! I know the nurses talked to them...I would hear them when I was in there. Saying sweet things to them with a tone that made me want to cry.

We stayed with my aunt who lives in Little Rock...and by that, I mean, we slept there. I know that part of the reason God moved her to Little Rock was because of those seven weeks. She and Terri were so amazing! They would come and bring us snacks while we

waited all day at the hospital and gave up there beds for us. We didn't stay there the whole

time but more on that later.

There are several parts of this story that are move vivid in my mind than others. This is one of them. It was the second week. I was in the nicu with Breanne and we were just sitting there staring at him. He was so tiny and fragile. The nurse asked Breanne if she wanted to touch him. He had been taken off of minimal stimulation. Finally, the first moment of physical contact with her little boy...a week later after he had left her body. Tears are coming as I think of how she must have felt in that moment. She held his little hand...he instinctively grabbed hold of her finger...mother and baby have there first sweet moment together.

this is Garrison's second week...I didn't think it was a good idea to post a picture of his first week. I'll just say, as pitiful as he looks in these, there was much improvement from the first.
breanne holding her hand out to show how small he is...she has very small hands so you can only imagine.
one of his diapers...he started wearing them the second week...the same size as a juice cup. :-)

David and Goliath

2008-08-24T01:25:00.004-05:00

I am so sorry that I have not posted the next part of Garrison's story yet. I have been out of town but I will post the next part of the story tomorrow! Thanks for being patient with me! I do want to share something that Kirk shared with us on this trip.

I should start by reminding you of my time with the Lord a few mornings ago. The "change the thinking...change the person" post. I asked God to show me how to change my thinking and he started with this...

We all know the story of David and Goliath, right? Well, I have never really noticed the few words that Kirk pointed out to us yesterday. 1 Samuel 17:48..."As Goliath moved closer to attack, David quickly ran out to meet him." If you are not familiar with the story and don't know the odds that were against David, I encourage you to read the story in it's entirety in 1 Samuel 17.

How many of us have giants in our own lives that come to attack us on a daily basis? Whether it be addiction, self image, pride, hatred, jealousy, etc. How many of us actually run out to meet our giants as David did...ready to show the world what the Lord can do in the most unlikely ways...using us...the most unlikely of warriors? But doesn't he do just that? If we really believed that, would we not run out to meet the giants in our lives so the world would see the glory of God through it? I am challenged today as I really think about what that means for me. I know something of what the Lord wants from me and can no longer be ignorant to it. He has called me to face the giants in my life like David did...not waiting in the shadows for them to find me and kill me but by running out to meet them...conquer them with the power that he has given me so that the world might see his glory and know that he is a righteous God...a God that can do the "impossible"! I am not powerless to my enemy! He has no authority over me...I'm covered with the blood of the Lamb! And SO ARE YOU...if you've accepted him as your Savior. So run out and meet those "giants" in your life with the power that Jesus Christ has given you! You no longer have to hide...run out to meet them!

"Remember , dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world's eyes, or powerful, or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God deliberately chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose those who are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important so that no one can ever boast in the presence of God." 1 Corinthians 1:26-29

"For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37

Garrison Manning

2008-08-21T13:00:00.011-05:00

The story begins with a phone call. Breanne, my sister, called me to tell me she was pregnant. I was the first in the family to know about it. It was not something to be proud of because my sister was unmarried at the time and seeing how we, the Guilbert kids, are ministers kids...well, you can just imagine. I'll say it now because I may forget later in the story, that our church family was very supportive of Breanne and the entire family throughout the twenty-three weeks she was pregnant and especially in the seven weeks that Garrison was alive. I will forever be grateful to Trinity Baptist Church for their love and compassion on us.

My sister and I have not always had the best relationship. I am ten years older than her. I have always been motherly. When I was little I would ask kids that were no more than an inch shorter than me if they "wanted me to hold them?" When she came, I instantly adopted her...not only as a sister but MY baby too. I loved to take care of her. I helped my mom with her so much that she started calling me mommy. When I was around eighteen or nineteen the Lord made it clear to me that the way I treated her...which must not have been good...was shaping her self esteem and I needed to value her and help to build her up, not tear her down. Something changed inside of me and I began to do just that. I loved her to the best of my ability and it showed. We became very close. She is...to this day...the only person that can make me laugh real tears! I had no idea what the future held and how my love for her would grow and change.

Back to the phone call...

I tried the best I knew how to encourage her that day. I promised her that I would not tell our parents the news...we both agreed that she should tell them. I will never forget her telling me his name. I knew she had named him so that she would not do anything to harm him or "fix" her problem. I knew God was doing something. She said..."I have already given him a name...do you want to know what it is?" She didn't know he was a boy then...it was too early. She said..."his name is Garrison!" I instantly loved it. I would find out later the meaning of his name and how appropriate it was for his journey.

The day finally came that she called mom and dad and told them she had something to tell them and asked them to meet her at their house. I was there...in from Dallas...and I think I was supposed to leave the day before but decided to stay. I was very proud of the way they handled the news. They did not judge her...they loved her through it and if I ever, God forbid, have to be in the same situation...pray that I would be as loving to my child as they were to Breanne. My dad said she was immediately to pack her things and move home with them.

We became more and more excited about the baby...little Garrison...as the weeks went by. The first grand baby and nephew was on his way into our family.

At around twenty-three weeks pregnant, Breanne went to one of Brennan's (my youngest brother) basketball games with my parents on February 13th. She complained of some cramping on the way home and just thought it was Braxton Hicks contractions. She went to sleep that night but woke up very early in the morning complaining of pain so my parents took her to the hospital...she was in labor. They tried to the best of their ability to stop the contractions but couldn't. Arrangements were made for her to be sent to UAMS in Little Rock. My parents called me that morning around 8:00 and told me what was going on. At that point there was just talk about Little Rock but no decisions had been made. When they called me a few hours later with the news of the transport, I got in my car and headed that way. I was about an hour behind the ambulance. When I got to UAMS, they had her in a room and were trying to stop the labor. Nothing was working and it was apparent that he was coming...like it or not. They wanted to try and hold her off for at least a week. The survival rate would increase dramatically in a baby born at 24 weeks. At around 8:00pm I had gone into the waiting room to talk to my sister-in-law, Jessica. I was in the waiting room for about five minutes then headed back to check on Breanne. Doctors and nurses were rushing around and going crazy...my heart sank. I knew what was happening. I ran back to the waiting room to tell Jessica and the others...I only remember saying..."she needs to push!" Jessica, sweet sister, saw my face and the tears welling up in my eyes and hugged me. I felt like I would be sick...knowing that what was about to happen should not be happening and knowing the outcome could be devastating. It's funny, as I write this, I remember clearly that it never crossed my mind that he would die.

February 14th...He arrived after only three pushes. Our little Valentine...weighing in at only 1lb. 6oz. and 13 inches long. I couldn't believe how tiny he was. The doctor's

rushed him out of the room. They were gone for what seemed like an eternity. When the doctor came back in she told us that they spent three minutes trying to resuscitate him and finally got him back. "Three minutes?!?" I prayed, "Lord, please don't let there be any brain damage!" They brought him into the room...tiny little guy with tubes running everywhere and closed up in a plastic bed. Eyes still fused shut...skin only three cells thick...lungs so premature that he could not breathe on his own. Poor baby...you could tell he was crying but nothing was coming out. The tubes would prevent us from ever hearing his little cry. Breanne looked at him...crying and scared.

They brought her a postcard size blue sheet of paper with is feet and hand prints on it. Mom wanted to take a picture so I got the camera out and started snapping...pictures of Garrison...pictures of the little blue card and Breanne holding it. She stopped me..."Please, I don't want very many pictures." Crying...we held her. We prayed...begging God to let him live. I don't know, nor do I want to know, what was going through her mind at that moment. I realized when she asked me not to take any pictures that she was scared to let herself think he would live...

but live he did!! Part 2 tomorrow.

Tuesdays

2008-08-20T17:57:00.002-05:00

I love Tuesdays! It's a highlight of my week. It's the night I go to church. It's called Kairos...it means "a unique moment in time". I just love it. Pastor Mike is awesome. He does something that I have never before been a part of. It's usually before the message but sometimes he does it at the end. He has us close our eyes and then leads us through a process. It's never the same process but it's purpose is always the same. He tells us to clear out all the clutter of the day...all the stress...all the to do's...everything that crowds our minds and keeps us from focusing on Jesus. The first time I went and he did that I cried the whole time. I realized how cluttered my mind is and how it leaves no room to think about the Lord. It just sets up a time with you and God that is so precious. I love it...did I mention that?!?!?! :-)

Anyway...every now and then I help lead praise and worship. It's great! After kairos a few of us go to Stoney River to eat dinner. We have the same waitress...Laura...every Tuesday. She has our drinks memorized and brings them out without even asking. We have a blast just enjoying each others company and laughing at each others stories. I ate a salad last night and I am convinced that I burned up all the calories in it just laughing until midnight. We stay well after closing...they don't get mad or try to get us to leave...they just let us stay. Then we spend another 30 minutes in the parking lot laughing some more. It's a great time.

I realize every time that I leave and head home how important fellowship and friendship is to me. I also realize how much I isolate myself. I leave with a healthy deposit in my "tank" and I feel so much better. I also love it because my life is not very structured. It creates a sense of normalcy in my life and I crave that. I LOVE what I do...wouldn't trade it for the world but I sometimes don't know what to do with myself if I'm not doing music. I don't think that's good. At least, not for me. So, I am so grateful to the Lord for giving me the very things that I need and I know He wants for me so early on here in Nashville. I have some great friends who have adopted me into their lives and love me without even knowing me all that well yet. I am so blessed to have them in my life and pray that God continues to bring people into my life like them.

I'm going to start a new post that will probably be in parts tomorrow. I am going to share the story of my first nephew...Garrison...with all of you. Many already know his story but I told it to my brother's new pastor's wife the other day and decided that I don't talk about him enough. What better way to do that than here. I hope that you are blessed by his short seven weeks on this earth and that this little warrior will strengthen your faith as he has mine and countless others.

Until then...

A little off...

2008-08-18T23:26:00.002-05:00

I have been a really bad blogger! I just realized that it's been a whole month since I posted last. So....I thought I'd just give a little update and a promise to blog more...for the two people who read this stuff!!! LOL.

I have been in Nashville now for a little over a month. I have been here a grand total of 12 days in that month. Ha. I have finally had a full week...well almost...tomorrow makes a week. Anyway, I haven't done much other than just work on decorating and organizing the house and hanging out with some friends. I did an EMI showcase last Tuesday for a few artists...Jason Champion, Anthony Evans, and Heather Headley. It was fun and it was a little exposure here in Nashville.

I am getting used to living by myself. It's not my favorite thing...being alone...but I realize that some alone time is good. I have fun by myself for the most part...I used to think people that went to the movies and stuff by themselves were crazy but I like it from time to time. I think I was built for companionship though...I can be in the room with someone else and not say a word and be perfectly content.

Today has been a little difficult. Don't really know why. I have just felt a little down. As I type this I'm tearing up...again, don't know why. I woke up feeling a little raw. It could be hormonal. I'm sure it is. I went out on the balcony to read this morning...a ritual of mine. I love to read out there. I finished a book out there the other night...stayed up until 4am. I couldn't put the book down! Anyway...it was exactly what I needed this morning. I read a Max Lucado devotional...Grace For The Moment. It's great. I take the scripture and then read that whole chapter. It just seems to work for me that way. I'm not a close your eyes, open the bible, read whatever your finger lands on kind of person. LOL So this system has been the best for me. This is what I read...

Whatever is true, whatever is honorable....if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8

Change the thoughts, and you will change the person. If today's thoughts are tomorrow's actions, what happens when we fill our minds with thoughts of God's love? Will standing beneath the downpour of his grace change the way we feel about others? (or ourselves)

Paul says absolutely! It's not enough to keep the bad stuff out. We've got to let the good stuff in. It's not enough to keep no list of wrongs. We have to cultivate a list of blessings: "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, thank about these things." Thinking conveys the idea of pondering---studying and focusing, allowing what is viewed to have an impact on us.

Rather than store up the sour, store up the sweet.

A Love Worth Giving

Max Lucado

This was such a sweet gift this morning from the Lord. I woke up just feeling off...not that good about myself...down for no reason. I hate that. I have no idea what caused it other than remembering that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." Even my own flesh and blood. I find it hard sometimes not to believe the lies that satan tells me. I know he hates me and that I should give him no room at all but sometimes I believe him. This morning and for most of the day today...I believed every word. I have had a strong desire to know the Lord in a more real and personal way lately. I long for it. I should have known that he would fight me on it...that he would show up sooner or later. Praise God that the battle for my soul was won on calvary and that he has no right to me because I've been bought with a price...a high price and nothing could ever separate me from the love of Christ!!!

If you feel defeated or depressed or if you have a hard time taking those lies captive...like I do sometimes. I pray for you along with myself in the battle for our minds. Satan knows exactly what to tell us and what we will believe. I, for instance...as a great friend so gently put it...will believe a lie before I will believe the truth. Unfortunately, he was right. So...If you tend to do the same thing...do what he told me to do. FIGHT FOR THE TRUTH...simply said but hard work! We can do it!!!! God has given us the instructions to do so....

"For this reason, take up the whole armor of God so that you may be able to take a stand whenever evil comes. And when you have done everything you could, you will be able to stand firm. Stand firm, therefore, having fastened the belt of truth around your waist, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and being firm-footed in the gospel of peace. In addition to having clothed yourselves with these things, having taken up the shield of faith, with which you will be able to put out all the flaming arrows of the evil one, also take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the WORD OF GOD." Ephesians 6:13-17

STAND FIRM

I'm here!

2008-07-19T21:21:00.004-05:00

I am finally in Nashville. I have been unloading boxes for the last few days. I have almost called Goodwill several times to just come and get it and have there way with it all. Some of it has been fun though. Like pulling all of my things to put around the house out of the box and unwrapping them. It's been almost six months since I've seen any of it so it all felt like new again. I love my little antiques. I just have random stuff that I love..."weird and unusual stuff"...those are the exact words of one of the movers that helped me unload my truck when I got to Nashville. I didn't know if I should be offended or flattered! :-) There are tons of antique stores around here and fun little boutiques with cool stuff. I can't wait to go look around...without my wallet! I will go back when I'm not so excited and prone to spend excessively! Ha.

The view from my balcony is so beautiful! I live off of Old Hickory...there are lots and lots of hills and I am on the top floor so I can see for miles. I took this picture with my phone...it doesn't really do it justice but there it is.

I will post more pics when I finish decorating and get everything in it's place. But for now I just thought I'd let you know that I finally made it!

I have a home!

2008-07-03T22:32:00.004-05:00

I finally found a place to live in Nashville! AND....I love it!!!!! I wanted a two bedroom so when people come to see me...which will hopefully be often :-)...I can have a place for them to stay. I also wanted a two bedroom so I can do all of my artsy/creative things and not have to drag everything out every time I want to work on something. It comes with a washer and dryer...has a fireplace...and a storage "room" inside the apartment. Most places don't offer the storage, unless it's a tiny closet off the balcony, and never do you find a place with a washer and dryer unless you have to pay extra for them. The storage room will house my vast collection of Christmas decorations...I'm a little over the top with Christmas time and decorating but it's just who I am and I'm not apologizing for it! :-) I am super excited. The Lord totally worked everything out and I am so relieved to be done with that process! Now I just have to get all of my things, load them up in a Uhaul, and head back this way. I am going to Montrose, CO in the morning...6am flight YUCK...and then home on Saturday to spend time with my family until I leave for Nashville. I'll post more pics of Gage soon and Harper...they are the best. I can't imagine our family without them now...they're such a blessing! Everyone have fun tomorrow celebrating freedom!

My nephew...everybody!!!

2008-06-24T18:39:00.003-05:00

Presenting Gage Edwin Duffey...my sweet baby nephew!!! 5lbs 10ozs. 18 and 3/4 inches long. The Guilbert family is expanding rapidly! LOVE IT!!!!!

He's just fine...thank you Lord!!!!

2008-06-24T12:46:00.002-05:00

I am proud to announce the birth of my nephew Gage Edwin Duffey...it was going to be Grayer (Michawn, you didn't dream it up...I told you that) LOL. He weighs 5lbs 10ozs and is 18 and 3/4 in. long. He's perfect (daddy Graham's exact words) :-) My daddy said he heard him crying and his lungs sound really strong! I haven't seen him yet but the say he's got really big pouty red lips and he's really fuzzy!!! LOL I will post pictures as soon as I get some! Thank you all for praying!

OH...I almost forgot...my amazing sister-in-law set up a webcam so from 3:40 am to 10 am I got to "be there" with my baby sister in the hospital room! I love Jessica because she understands me so well and knows that by buying a $100 camera, she would make my entire lifetime. She had to go through a crap load of annoying steps to get it set up so it was no easy task. But she did it because she loves me and knows that I would do the same for her. Thank you sister...you are my favorite friend...you love me just the way I am and you work to understand me and you will never know what that means to me!

I'll keep you posted!

Update on Breanne

2008-06-23T20:49:00.002-05:00

I just talked to my daddy and he updated me on what's going on with Bre. She is now dilated to 4cm and they are trying to slow her labor. At 4cm they no long take the steps to stop labor all together...they just prolong it as much as possible. The Dr. said that it would be great if she could wait until tomorrow night to have him but said we will probably see him tonight. Bre is doing good...she's not stressed at all and is just trying to get comfortable. She's having contractions about 4 minutes apart...not too strong but still...never had a contraction before but I hear they are no joke! The Dr. also said that Gage should be fine. There is very little chance that he will have to be transported to Little Rock and that worst case scenario is that he will need some help breathing. But he could come out and be totally fine without any need for oxygen or anything at all. THAT is what we're praying for. I know that the Lord has his tiny little lungs and his tiny little body in his great big hands. I am dealing with not being there okay...don't know what will happen when I actually miss everything but for now...I've got it together. ;-)

that's all I know but I'll keep updating the blog.

Need a favor...

2008-06-23T13:38:00.002-05:00

Okay...those of you who don't know the story of my sister and Garrison...I will fill you in later. Those who do know the story...

Please pray for Breanne today. She has gone into labor. She's 35 weeks...it would be fine for her to have him now. But the Dr. wants her to keep him another week. They have admitted her into the hospital. They gave her steroids for Gage's lungs and are trying to stop the contractions as I write this. I know that 35 weeks seems like she's in the clear but it brings back the nightmares of when Garrison was in the nicu and the fears and worries that are still soooo real to us...especially Bre. Soooo...if you could just pray for peace and comfort for Bre. Her pain is very minimal at the moment...she really can't feel the contractions...her stomach just gets hard. She is almost dilated to a 2. I am also out of town until July 5th so I will most likely miss his birth and I am trying not to let it bother me too bad but it does. I really wanted to be there so if she could keep him until I get home that would be awesome! I appreciate your prayers and will keep you posted on them both!

The Shack

2008-06-22T20:51:00.004-05:00

You know...I love my job but I hate the airport somedays! I hate to start out my post like that but that's what I feel right at this very moment and so it's just what came out first. Sorry...

Now...on to what I wanted to write about.

I read a book straight through. Well, almost...not in one day but over the course of a few days. I LOVED IT!!!!!!!! It's called The Shack...by William P. Young. AMAZING! Did I mention that I loved it?!?!?! :-) Friends told me about it when I was in Nashville last week...I got it on my way home in the airport bookstore.

It's great...go get it and read it. I know some people have an issue with the book and the way God is presented but I thought it was beautiful and made tons of sense. I don't want to give too much away but I just want to put it out there. You don't have to go get the book and read it but you'll be missing out. It's great...it's fiction...it's beautiful. And because of this book I have grown to love the Lord even more than before. It will awaken a longing for Him and for Home.

Some of the theology is kind of whacked out but if you read it with an open mind it will bless you! I'll post more after a few weeks...I want to give you a chance to read it first!

Love,

Nashville Day 1

2008-06-16T22:57:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to update you on the apartment search. It's really overwhelming. I have never lived by myself before and it's kinda scary! So far I don't know what I'm gonna do...where I will end up living but it turns out that I'm a little bit limited because of availability. That's okay with me though because it will give me less options and make my life a little easier.

Today was a really good day though. I had lunch with some friends. One of my friends has been in Nashville for about 11 years and has done a lot of session work with lots of producers and has a ton of connections. She was so sweet to want to hook me up with a lot of them.

Anyway...she was like..."I'm calling everybody I know and telling them you're here." Everybody meaning the people that make things happen...make music...produce and write some of the greatest songs in Christian music and some of the up and coming ones that are just fun to work with because it's really laid back and chilled. Which leads me to the next thing that happened. As we leave a guy walks out behind me that knows my friend Anthony and they're talking while Melinda and I are talking. Right before we leave the guy tells me that he lost 70 pounds listening to one of Kirk's songs and Anthony had told him that I sang for him. So...He tells me how much the song means to him and we talk for a minute. Then I mention that I have to hit the road and start looking for a place to live. He was like..."are you moving here?"...I say..."Yes, on Monday." and then he was like..."I am always using singers. Give me your number!" Wow! Oh, did I mention that he wrote a little song called "How Great Is Our God"?????? What????

I had dinner last night with friends. I had dinner tonight with friends. I have had a great time! I'm not a very social person...I have to really push myself to go out and do things. But I had a lot of fun and I'm so looking forward to whatever it is that God has for me here.

Victory!

2008-06-13T23:16:00.003-05:00

The hunt for Mr. mouse is over. He no longer lives in the apartment...he now lives in mouse heaven! I'm so glad. Now, I can walk into the apartment boldly and without fear. LOL...can I be any more dramatic??

I'm in Nashville tonight. I leave tomorrow for Newark, NJ. We have a show there tomorrow night and then it's back to Nashville and the search for an apartment begins. I am super excited about living here. I'm scared but I know this is where God wants me right now so I'm good. I am praying that I find the place He has already set aside for me. I am looking on Monday and Tuesday so if you could keep me in your prayers those two days I would greatly appreciate it! I don't want to pay a ridiculous amount but I do want to have a safe place with plenty of room for me and my things. I have a lot of stuff!

Today was a really hard day. I had to attend the funeral of an amazing man whose life was cut way too short. We have know this family for many many years and they have been amazing friends to my family. Harold Johns went to be with Jesus on Monday morning after battling cancer for the last several months. His death was sudden...they fully expected him to recover and win the fight. He and his wife Freddie had one of the most amazing and powerful marriages I have ever seen. They spent almost 40 years together and loved each other deeply. They also have three boys...Randy, Russell, and Ryan. I am so proud of the way they spoke about and remembered their father and husband today. Our family sang...the whole family...minus mom who was sick. It was so hard to see the pain they feel and will feel for many years to come. But one thing Harold left us with that will last for generations to come is an powerful legacy. He left three men that will impact the world just as much or more than he did. All three are men of high standards and excellent character. I am extremely proud of them! Please pray for the Johns family as well the next few weeks. I can't even wrap my mind around the pain that losing my dad would bring. And if you don't tell the people that matter to you how much they mean to you...how much you love and value them...please tell them! Because life can be taken so suddenly.

I don't know how people go thru life without Jesus. I don't know how people cope with the everyday, much less the death of a loved one, without the love of the Father. It would almost be impossible to handle without the hope of heaven. Thank you, LORD, that in death we are victorious. Harold could have fully recovered from cancer. He could have shared his story of healing and given every ounce of glory to the King of Kings...and he would have. But God decided that He couldn't live another day without his warrior...his son...his prize. So Harold received the ultimate healing...as so many of our loved ones have...and now sits at the feet of Jesus. Now if that's not Victory...I don't know what is!

The welcome committee

2008-06-12T03:50:00.004-05:00

Why am I up at 4am you ask??? Well, let me tell you. I am mortified to even share this information but it is absolutely worth sharing!

A MOUSE...a mouse.

I have been staying with Heith and Jessica since I got home from Brazil. I have been helping out with Harper and doing things to help Jessica with the house before they put it on the market. Tonight was my first night back in the apartment. It's a really cool apartment above the barn at my parents house. My dad, Heith, and Granddaddy built it all by themselves. Well, for the most part it is free of any four legged friends. Not tonight...not my first night back. I had a welcome committee. YUCK! I heard a noise...laid there kind of paralized. You know what I'm talking about, right??? The I don't know if I really heard anything so let me lay here as still as possible and make sure it wasn't my imagination thing. I did that until I got up the courage to turn on the light.

I see him...he's rummaging around in the kitchen. I was freaking out! Why I am scared of this stupid little thing...I don't even know...but I am. I just watch for a few minutes...in disbelief. I see a can of insect repellant that I had no place for when I had unpacked my bags earlier in the night and I grab it. What in the world is that gonna do? I don't know other than give me courage to walk over and try to...i don't know...catch him??? Idiot! :-) He runs away. I'm lying. He walked. I was too scared to do anything so I let him. He went into the bathroom, I think. I went in after him after standing there...paralized again. No sign of him. I kicked and stomped around to let him know that I was a very big presence that he should be really scared of and never come back...shot off a little bug spray just to warn him. I really am an idiot!!! Ha. I tried to sleep with the kitchen light on for a few minutes. NOPE! I packed up my stuff and drove up to the house.

So...first thing tomorrow morning I'm going to do what any brave woman would do. I'm going to have daddy go up there and kick some mouse butt all over that apartment...because there's no way in you know where that I'll be going back up there to sleep until he is gone!

Goodnight!

Harper...styled by daddy!

2008-06-07T02:14:00.005-05:00

Read the post before this one but
I also wanted to show you this...

Jessica, Karen (Jessica's mom), and I went to get pedicures this afternoon. We left Harper with Heith. Came back to the house...Heith met us at the door with Harper dressed like this. He said..."She was bored so we played dress up!" Really he meant...I was bored so we played dress up. Either way...It was the cutest thing ever! I love seeing my brother be a daddy! Notice the bracelets and boots...two things he's been wanting her to wear since she was born. I got the bracelets in South Africa...boots in Amsterdam. She's an international baby!!!

The story...

2008-06-07T01:08:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I didn't get to tell the story last night but I wanted to tell it before it was pointless! LOL. We had a family get together last night for Breanne's birthday and I was exhausted when I got home.

Rewind to Wednesday night around 8:30pm...I was leaving NorthPark mall after having no luck whatsoever with gifts for my sisters or a battery for my computer. I went over to Mockingbird Station to see what Urban Outfitters had then got on the road headed to Texarkana. I noticed immediately that my battery light was flashing on and off...almost like when I would hit a bump it would come on and go off...thought it was a short or something. I called daddy and told him...he was worried and wanted me to call him every 30 minutes to check in. I did that all the way to Mt. Vernon. I was about 2 miles from Mt. Pleasant...20 minutes out of Mt. Vernon (last phone call to dad) when my cruise control just shut off and the driving lights inside the car dimmed. This was about 11:30pm. I knew this couldn't be a good sign...Ha...so I called daddy again. He was ready to come and get me.

I made it to the first Mt. Pleasant exit and pulled up to this gas station that I stop at sometimes on the way home from Dallas...noticed that behind it on the hill is a Comfort Inn. I just decided my car would be better off in a hotel parking lot rather than a gas station so I pulled into the parking lot. Tried to call dad...no service! Crap! Soooo...I walk down the hill and try to find a place with service. The parking lot of the gas station has service so I call daddy. He has been trying to call me and is now worried. Brennan (little brother...16)...also worried...I think it's cute that he would worry about his big sister! ;-) Dad runs through the thoughts he's had since I've talked to him last, which might have been like 10 minutes...15 tops. It's amazing how slowly time goes by in times like these...I know you can relate to that. It seemed like an eternity. Anyway...He decided that because gas is so expensive I should stay at the Comfort Inn for the night and get my car fixed in Mt. Pleasant. He would have had to drive to Mt. Pleasant (about an hour and fifteen minutes)...drive back home...drive back to Mt. Pleasant the next day to get my car and back home again. Way too much driving resulting in an enormous amount of money on gas! Gas IS almost $4 a gallon...WOW!!! So, needless to say, the hotel route was the cheaper way out. Perfect...I'll just go get a room. Well, the ONLY room left in the Comfort Inn was the King Jacuzzi Suite...this is a MOTEL we're talking about...not a HOTEL. I know everyone knows the difference but just in case, let me break it down for you. Motel = door opens from the outside. Hotel = door opens from the inside. The guy at the front desk...sweet little guy...he tells me that the room is $89.99 but he'll let me have it for $79.99 since it's the only room left. I told him my "situation" and he said "let me see if I can get a better rate." Nope...he came back with the same quote of $79.99. "Okay...I'll take it!" Go to my car...get a few things for overnight...a few clothes and my bathroom stuff. If you know me well you know that was about two bags and a suitcase full of stuff! I can't help it...10 years of packing and I still can't pack light.

Open the door to my sweet suite :-) and this is what I saw! Hahahahahahaha....I felt a little uncomfortable. It was semi-trashy. I mean...you would just put the jacuzzi out in the room like that?!?!?!?!

I took full advantage of the jacuzzi...sat in it and watched John and Kate plus 8...LOVE that show! I don't want 6 at a time but I've prayed for twins for as long as I can remember. I tried to get the free wireless to work in the room...never worked. I just went to sleep. I was so tired...I slept straight through the night...woke up around 8 but went back to bed because I had every intention of getting my $79.99 worth out of that room. I left a little after checkout...11am...and went down to the little mechanic right next to the hotel. See how the Lord works???? Everything I needed...place to park...place to sleep...place to get my car going...right there together! I got them to charge my battery enough to make it home so I could go to our regular mechanic.

I felt like I should be on TV...like one of those sitcoms that is filmed like a documentary...like the office or arrested development. It was so funny. The garage was owned by a hispanic man...very nice...didn't speak the best english but we understood one another. He told me it would take about 20 to 30 minutes to charge the battery so I went to the gas station to get some lunch. When I tell you that everything was fried in that little gas station...I mean EVERYTHING...even the corn on the cob. It felt like I was at the fair. They had corn dogs so I got one. I sat down at a table...ate my corndog.

The hispanic mechanic charged me $10 and told me not to run the radio, air conditioner, or lights and sent me on my way to Texarkana. I made it! I prayed that I would and I did. I also prayed that the night before but God had other plans for me. I love that I got my dad's laid back personality because not one second of the experience bothered me. I really kind of had a good time by myself in Mt. Pleasant...in my $79.99 jacuzzi suite with my raggedy broke down car and my useless iphone.

My car...well...it needed several things done to it. My bill...$631.02...which I was very unhappy about...that is until a friend of mine reminded me that it's much better than a car payment...something I haven't had for a while now.

So...there's my story. I don't know what God was doing but I know that He is always doing something and I'm grateful that He loves me enough to slow me down if it means that He wants to keep me from harm or teach me a lesson or just give me a reason to trust Him more.

What a night!

2008-06-05T14:26:00.000-05:00

I don't have time to tell the whole story...I will later tonight...but I am just getting home from Dallas. It is 2:28pm on Thursday...I left at around 8:30pm last night. I had to spend the night in Mt. Pleasant, Texas at the Comfort Inn room 105...the "Jacuzzi Suite"...only room left...I have a picture...can't wait to share the story!!

Today is my sister's birthday...Happy 21st birthday seester!!!!! I love you!!!!

I'm watching Harper (my 4 month old niece) swing...smiling and talking to the toys hanging from her mobile above her head...THIS is worth the drive and all that I have been through over the last 14 hours!

Almost home...

2008-06-04T15:59:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here in a recliner at my friend Misty's house...trying to work up the desire to drive the distance from Dallas...well, Irving...to Texarkana. It's dreadful...I don't want to drive it...I'm tired and sleepy...weary from spending the night on an airplane that was very uncomfortable. But the desire to get to what is waiting on the other end of the drive is what makes me want to do it. I know it seems like...what's the big deal dummy just get in the car and drive...but there's more to it. Before I get on the road to make the drive I have several errands to run...take back the horrible pantsuit that I didn't have to wear...thank goodness...you know the one...I posted about it. I also want to get my sister's bday gifts here because I know that I can get them something really great here that I wouldn't be able to get them in Ttown...shopping sucks in Ttown. So that's gonna get me on the road kind of late. Another factor...TRAFFIC...booooooo...I hate traffic in Dallas! Hate it!!!!! Another thing...I'm sleepy and don't want to get to a point in the trip that I'm too sleepy to drive...you know how it is. You have to pull over and sleep and run the risk of a "crazy" coming along and messing with you or whatever the horror stories are...I'm not one to think of those things right away...I'm more of a non-worrier type...but still...it just stinks to have to do that. Oh and I almost forgot about having to go to the Mac store to get a new battery for my computer because the converter in Africa completely killed mine...this is the second time this has happened...hopefully they won't charge me for this one either. So....you see my dilemma?????

Anyway...I'm working on seeing God or lessons He could teach me in everything I do or experience...so here's what I came up with sitting in this recliner. I WANT to get home but I don't want to do what it takes to get there. This is an amazing thing to me...it could be "just for me" as they say and you may not even relate...who knows...but for me...this is what I do. I WANT things but don't want to work for them...do what it takes to achieve them...step out on faith and believe for them. I just sit here and procrastinate and miss out on the "good things"...the rewards at the end. At the end of my drive today I will have a family waiting on me that is excited about my arrival...a niece that I can't wait to see smile at me after being gone for two weeks straight...I brother who I can play guitar hero with...the warmth of a familiar bed to get a good nights rest in...a sister who's baby bump is probably going to be way bigger than the last time I saw her because she's growing my healthy little nephew in there...a really good friend that almost died giving birth to her third child that I want to tell how much she means to me because I don't know what I would've done if she had not made it! But...the journey...because I am weary and tired...seems like it will take forever. We do this with God all the time...put him off because the road seems to be too long and dreadful to actually brave it for what waits for us on the other side. Same goes for weight loss...don't want to walk...or run...the road I have to to get where I want and need to be. Oh but if we would just brave the road ahead...what sweet things must be there waiting on us?!?!?! Won't it be so worth it???? I'm starting to feel whatever is disconnected inside of me connect...not there yet but He's doin somethin...

My point...I am learning...I am sitting in silence and letting the Lord reveal to me the things He wishes....I am listening. I am getting it...just a small part but I'm getting it. Doesn't it feel good to see growth...to see the places you are failing or falling behind and God is so gracious enough to show you in really crazy ways...with really crazy analogies...who He is shaping you to be. I love it...I love Him!

I'll share some with you this week about my trip...Gotta prepare for this road ahead!!!!

If you haven't yet...read "So You Want To Be Like Christ" by Charles Swindoll....AMAZING book!

Don't look back!

2008-05-27T23:42:00.000-05:00

Picture: Me last week in Uganda...this is huge for me to post this! I am mortified at the size I am. Just putting that out there. LOL

Now on to the point...
I was shopping ALL day today for something brown to wear for one of our shows in Brazil...WOW! I can't even begin to tell you how much fun I did NOT have trying on clothes. I spent my whole entire day searching and searching for something. First I went to Grapevine Mills mall to the Neiman's outlet. I LOVE the Neiman's outlet. I can usually find all kinds of things that I want but don't need at all and usually I leave with nothing...too expensive...still! I like digging thru all the clothes and finding the really good things...too expensive...never buy them...but still fun! Well, today I totally would've bought something. I NEEDED something. You can never find it if you are actually seeking it out. If you don't need it it pops up everywhere...tempting you at every turn. Anyway...there was this dress...beautiful dress...long sleeved...brown (what I needed)...it would have been so perfect! IF...they had my size. Now this is what makes me soooo mad at myself...the part I referred to in my last post about the physical part of my journey towards discipline...if I would've busted my tail to loose weight in the last six months, like I should have...I would've been able to buy that beautiful, long sleeved, brown dress! It was an 8...I'm not that far from an 8...I could've been an 8 by now. I would've been done...by 3 o'clock...but NOOOOO!!! So...I went to Banana Republic and found a suit that would work...not crazy about how it looked but it worked...pants size "huh?" :-) and jacket size 8...a little snug but I was cool...only size they had. I thought to myself..."I'll go to another Banana on the way home and see if they have a 10 in the jacket." Did that...tried it all together in the dressing room...ummmm...I just HAD to look back in the mirror behind me...BAD IDEA!!! I wanted to run my car off the nearest bridge when I left that store. See...this is the problem. Instead of being a very normal thing to do...shop...it almost became a suicide attempt! :-) I hope you know I'm kidding!!!! LOL. But really...it should not be what it is...which is very depressing!!

What the heck is wrong with me?!?!?! I want it! I really do! But something is disconnected...somehow I can't seem to muster up enough determination to actually bust my tail and get the weight off! That's why I am praying that the Lord will connect what is disconnected for me and I will...with much hard work and discipline...do what I have failed to do for more than 5 years...LOSE THE WEIGHT. I am all for the ones who love themselves as they are but I am not in love with me. Not even close! The inside...I like...well...I like the fact that I am always wanting to grow and be more like Christ...I like me...the person. But I don't like me...the outside...the body. So my journey begins. The process starts now. Tomorrow I leave for Brazil and it is THE perfect time for me to be committed to work out every single day possible...and push myself. A goal of one week is very doable! Please pray for me this week...I'm gonna need it. Satan has had enough of my life and the Lord deserves better than I have been giving Him. This is me ten years ago...I know what you're thinking...too skinny...BUT...I would love to be this size again. It's not that skinny...right?!?!?! This picture is also embarrassing...but it's one of the only pictures I have that motivates me! I'm not trying to look like Gisele...I'm just trying to look like me...ten years ago! And I will...just wait and see! In the words of Sherman Clump aka the Nutty Professor "YES I CAN! YES...I...CAN! YES I CAN!!!! LOL Thanks for praying...I'll periodically keep ya posted on my progress! I'm glad you'll be with me on the journey!

Finally!

2008-05-26T16:27:00.000-05:00

I am finally starting a blog...can you believe it?!?!?! A few friends have suggested that I do it but I've just put it off for soooo long. I am excited to start now for two reasons...1. I am moving to Nashville in a few weeks and it will be a really good way for everyone to keep up with what I am doing. 2. I'll be going overseas a few times in the next couple of months and will be able to show all of you what I am experiencing and doing when I can't talk to you on the phone, And 3. I'm starting a book called "So You Want To Be Like Christ?" by Swindoll which is mainly about discipline. Which is a topic that we can all shed some light on...and I would love to discuss it with all my friends. Of course, I would love to be disciplined in every area of my life but I am better at setting smaller goals in order to reach a larger one than I am at just going for it! So...what I am tackling first...two things. 1. my physical body...I will go more into that later on and 2. my relationship with Christ...which is why this book is so great right now. I've had the book for a while but never read it. Kirk told us about it a year ago...he reads it over and over. Which is what I am going to have to do with it. It's funny how quickly we forget. I have an adopted theory on that...I'll share it later but basically it goes like this. If the seed is planted but not cultivated (meditated on) the enemy can come in and steal it...the deeper the root the harder it is to steal. Why do you think we forget by Monday morning what the sermon was about on Sunday?!?!?! Surely we aren't that forgetful. It would make sense that something else is at work...wouldn't it??? So, I will have to keep this book with me until it's so deeply rooted that nothing can snatch it from my mind...so well hidden in my heart that only me and my Father know where to find it.

That is WAY more than I planned to write in my first post but whatever! I think this will be fun! I LOVE reading my friends blogs...I try to visit them everyday. It's a great way to keep up with each other. So, I hope you enjoy mine like I do yours! And although I'm a little behind in starting this blog...well into my ninth year with Kirk...I'll try to eventually get the whole story up...pics and all! I'm going to try and post about some of my Uganda trip tonight or tomorrow. I only have two days before I leave for Brazil but I'll do my best!